Obama Leaves Us Speechified

A friend of mine (or maybe more of an acquaintance, because we've passed maybe a dozen words between eachother during our time at UGA), a Young Democrats officer who decorated his entire door with Obama propaganda throughout the entire year at O-House, had his facebook status inform me a few days ago that Barack Obama was going to deliver the "best speech in history" (another friend commented that Cicero has nothing on the Hopechange Express).

Being somewhat cynical about Obama, I still love a good speech. So here I am sitting here in our wonderful Student Learning Center (the home away from home!) watching the ultra high-def DNC feed of the Democratic National Convention Hope Change Extravanganza 2008 (not kidding about the high-def, I can see the wrinkles on Dick Durbin's face).

Dick Durbin's speaking. I like that he included the impoverishment of sleeping on the floor to the impoverishment of eating cold pizza. They are obviously equivalent bad things.

Other than the odd cold pizza line, Durbin's doing really well with the populist thing. He has the crowd chanting the 'ol "Yes We Can!" and waving American flags like crazy. Interestingly, an issue over the past few days the pundit class has obsessed about is the fact that there are columns on the stage of the stadium they are speaking in. With the mass chanting and flag waving, the columns actually fill things out quite nicely. It's almost epic.

Now we're getting some kind of teaser video about Obama. I'm not sure exactly why we're getting a life story video at this moment -- his two bestseller books didn't define him enough for us? How about some epic speechification?

I don't know who the voiceover in this video is, but it sounds kind of like Mike Huckabee. Now that'd be a blow to the Republicans. Yeah, remember that runner-up in the Republican convention? He plays for our team now, punks.

I just want to take some more time -- with this video playing I gotta talk about something -- to go ahead and brag on how crazy high-definition this video is. I can see the wrinkles on the faces of all the folks in this thing. Norm Coleman (R-Douchebag) looks even uglier than usual.

This video's music is very messianic. It's like something Hans Zimmer would put to a Ridley Scott flick.

Oh man, they're playing the Into the Wild soundtrack now. Good choice. That movie f'ing rocks. Sean Penn for Secretary of State?

VIDEO'S DONE.

Alright Obama, wow me.

Coldplay? Obama's coming out to Coldplay music? This couldn't get more awesome-cheesy-messianic.

Obama says thank you like thirteen times. Either he's very thankful or wants the crowd to shut up. Like responding to some kind of invisible cue, the crowd breaks out into "Yes We Can!"

Obama: I accept your nomination for President of the United States.

Crowd breathes again, satisfied that they didn't spend tens of millions of dollars to put the Convention on for nothing.

Cue pander line to please fanatical Hillary Clinton supporters. Cue pander line to President Bill Clinton. Ted Kennedy gets a nod too. And finally, Senator Mastercard-Hairplug Joe Biden. And finally his kids, who I'm sure he probably doesn't love much less than the people he mentioned first (he seems like a nice dad doesn't he?).

Obama: 4 years ago I came here and rocked the f'ing house. Unfortunately, America sucks a lot more now than it used to. In fact, it sucks a lot. You know who sucks a lot? GEORGE W. BUSH

(crowd insanely applauds obvious fact)

Obama: Blah blah blah, I say...enough!

(crowd applauds a lot more)

Obama: Blah blah blah, Eight is enough!

(crowd chants "eight is enough eight is enough" [very awkward chant])

Obama: Though McCain guy was a soldier.

(crowd politely applauds)

Obama: But he likes Bush. BUSH IS BAD!

(crowd applauds)

Obama: (quotes McCain adviser-asshole Phil Gramm that America is just a nation of whiners because we think our economy sucks)

(crowd boos)

Obama: McCain thinks...you suck!

(crowd applauds)

Obama: But we're gonna change it!

(biggest applause yet for nonspecific, vague, uncontroversial statement of intent)

Obama: My parents worked hard and stuff.(awkward camera shot of Pelosi pushing hair out of her face).

Obama: "Let me spell out exactly what change would mean with me as President"

(crowd applauds long awaited substance in speech)

Obama: (delivers vague, unspecific proposals to do stuff for people somewhere)

(crowd happily applauds)

Obama: ...and, I'm gonna cut taxes!

(indisputably American crowd goes crazy clapping)

Obama: I'll also do lots of other vague unspecific stuff!

(crowd continues to applaud)

Obama: And healthcare, I'll do something about that though not anything close to a solution!

(crowd: woooooo yeah )

Obama: Social security will be also be saved by me, and I'll also makes sure the womens are paid fairly!

(crowd: you go girl! [?])

Obama: And ladders to success. I will give ladders! And PARENTS, KIDS GOTTA STOP WATCHING TV.

(crowd: grumble grumble).

Obama: And I also love the world!

(crowd applauds)

Obama: (goes through litany of countries he will save)

(crowd: hell yeah!)

Obama trots out the no red america no blue america united states of america lines which leads to strange chanting from the crowd (USA USA?).

Obama goes on to say lots more stuff, and I'm playing internet chess and studying for Arabic at the same time. Great summarizing I'm doing, right?

I like how he says he doesn't look or sound the same like lots of politicians. I have to give him one thing, having an Arab Muslim name and getting this far in American politics is pretty badass.

Well, it's over now and that was OK. And with the past eight years, maybe OK's an improvement.